In Ordinary Human Relationships there are two kinds of shit, a masculine form of shit that men do called “Bull Shit,” and a feminine form of shit that women do called “Cow Shit.”

Cow Shit is saying things that are very, very true. For example, when it is nine-thirty on Saturday night and the husband and wife walk up the stairs to be together in their bedroom and the wife says, “I noticed that you walked right by the laundry basket on your way up the stairs. You didn’t even see it. That laundry is all washed, dried, folded and ironed. I did that already. All you had to do was carry the basket up the stairs. Couldn’t you do even that one little thing to help me around the house…?” The problem with Cow Shit is that even though the things that are said are very, very, very true, they are completely irrelevant. A persistent Cow Shit habit can effectively block woman from accessing Archetypal domains with her Man. We will have more to say about cow shit in Being Kill and not Dying below.

In Ordinary Human Relationships there are two kinds of shit, a masculine form of shit that men do called “Bullshit,” and a feminine form of shit that women do called “Cowshit.”

Bull Shit is saying things that are very, very relevant, like, “Honey, I’ll be home at seven. I will take out the garbage tonight. I will fix that leak this weekend. I will help Johnny improve his algebra grades. I will spend less time at my computer.”

The problem with Bull Shit is that even though the things that are said are very, very relevant, they are just not true. A persistent Bullshit habit can effectively block man from accessing Archetypal domains with his Woman.

Dear Clinton,
This letter might come as a surprise to you. Well, I just felt the urge to send these lines to you and share some of my insights and experiences of the last few months.
But let me start from the beginning (which, looking back, was rather like an end). It was about two years ago. I participated in your training (it must have been my sixth or seventh training), and, maybe you remember, my process was about my stories going on with women and sex. It was my toughest and most persistent and lasting process so far. When after an eternity the training was finally over, it didn’t feel like any “endings” I experienced before. Before, [after a training] there was always this relief, a new vision, a clarity, something got healed. This time I felt like I’d been annihilated. I felt so miserable that I wasn’t even able to drive home. Fortunately another man stayed with me and took over the job of driving the car.
During the next 2-3 months, although still feeling miserable, I did as you suggested: I didn’t connect in any way with women, neither women-friends I knew from before nor the unknown woman at the counter of a shop. No eye contact, nothing! It felt horrible, but I somehow knew that that was the only right thing to do. Somehow, that was the easy part, the logical understandable steps on the way. The difficult, frightening part of it was that this process scattered my whole life-plan, my whole story, a story about me, which I thought so far was true and more or less ok! This identity was gone, completely, only some fragments left here and there. I was in a big despair, in the middle of a nightmare: the old identity didn’t work anymore, most of it wasn’t even there anymore, and besides that, there was just this void. During these months I hated you. I was convinced, that you had made a big mistake, that you had gone too far, that you lost all respect and in a sadistic way enjoyed “killing” me. As a result I decided to never do another training, to look for something nice and gentle. I quit my long-term training program and withdrew from my spiritual path.
So far this was a description of my internal emotional process. What happened on the outside is that I really was not able anymore to live the way I did before. During my process you said: “Mister, the game is over!” I didn’t get it then, but I got it much, much later! The women / sex – game was (and still is) definitely over!
During the 18 months afterwards, it was like a pendulum had swung from one extreme to the opposite extreme. I didn’t have any contact at all in the first few months, then slowly started to meet women once in awhile, but still staying very distanced and cautious. I really began to think that this was going to be my new style of life: the u-turn from the womanizer I used to be into a monk.
Now, in August 2001, things are different again. The pendulum found a balance! I’m in love with a wonderful woman. We met about 9 months ago for the first time, then met maybe every second week in the beginning, both being very cautious and respectful. By now we meet nearly daily, and, this really sounds incredible, since about a week or so we hold hands once in a while. Two years ago this idea of a very slow, gentle approach was just not part of my imagination. It was about going to bed with a woman as fast as possible, and then (maybe) starting to get to know the person.
It’s the complete opposite now. We talk and talk for hours, have wonderful walks in nature, and we just are both so fully nurtured with that. There’s nothing missing! It’s so beautiful. I feel like a 14-year old adolescent, being in love with a girl for the first time.
Only now, looking back, I realize how fucked up in relation to relationship, women, and intimacy I was. I am so grateful that things have changed into such a positive way. And I must admit, it’s thanks to you. You were the midwife of this much saner person I am now! No one else had the courage, the knowledge, the strength and the stubbornness to beat “me” with such a heavy club. With “me” I talk about all my destructive, egoistic, hurting, isolating mechanisms going on. I really feel like I am being healed on a very deep level. Like for the first time I can see what intimacy really means. I’m so grateful and happy you’ve shown up in my life and hit me so hard. It was absolutely necessary, and who knows, without your smack, I would probably still be on this very self-destructive track.
By the way, two months ago I finished my long-term training (with a little delay), I joined another training in spring, and I joined a men’s group again! I am also much closer again to my spiritual path.
I am looking forward to see you again some day. With deepest respect,

Man sets and holds context like a wall defines the possibility of a garden. Woman fills the context held by Man with the Archetypal “Garden of Woman” in the same way that flowers, fruits and vegetables, stones, waterfalls, fish, trees, pathways, gazebos and benches fill a biological garden. Man is the space holder. Woman is the space filler. Man fixes the leaking faucet, traps mice, kills cockroaches and spiders, keeps the neighbors in line, changes the light bulbs, manages the heater repair man, and keeps the car in good running order. Woman decorates the rooms, creates and maintains the elegance of the sanctuary, chooses the menu, arranges the flowers, heals the children, keeps the cupboards and refrigerator filled with abundance and health, manages the relationships between the helper team, invites the guests to dinner, and fills the space with a never-ending profusion of love and beauty and grace.

Space Dancing

A woman can easily misunderstand that her expanded masculinity gives her power over men. The most difficult thing for the woman becoming 10% masculine is to be vigilant about what comes out of her mouth. The feminine mind has access to too many loopholes in reality. The loopholes make it easy to ignore the fact that everything that is said has a purpose, a design for what it intends to create. She does not comprehend the real and immediate consequences of what she says. To make a shift with this you can rigorously focus on the purpose of what you say. Be rigorous about whom you speak with, and especially for what reason. Be rigorous that your purpose is not unconscious evil. The experiment is to be over-vigilant at first. Start off by not saying most things. This is a good way to develop your vigilance. After a couple of months you can start to say a few things that you are sure serve responsible purposes. Without realizing it, one woman in a training was making her husband wrong. The trainer said, “Lady, you are making your husband wrong.” She said, “I am not making my husband wrong. He is wrong. I am just pointing it out to him.” Proving that someone is wrong is not a responsible purpose; it is Low Drama. Learn the difference.

The Nothing at the center of Archetypal Man is the Archetypal Void, the great emptiness out of which everything was created. The real use of Man’s Nothingness is for creating what has never been created before, for staying unhookable, for revealing clarity, and for holding a particular space as the framework out of which Archetypal Relationship can unfold. Archetypal Man is the space holder in relationship, just like a zero is a space holder in mathematics. The zero is the place in a number where presently there is nothing but could be anything. In particular, Archetypal Man is the space holder for Bright Principles, for Stellated Archetypes, and for a dynamic evolving relationship with the Archetypal Feminine.

Man sets and holds context like a wall defines the possibility of a garden. Woman fills the context held by Man with the Archetypal “Garden of Woman” in the same way that flowers, fruits and vegetables, stones, waterfalls, fish, trees, pathways, gazebos and benches fill a biological garden. Man is the space holder. Woman is the space filler. Man fixes the leaking faucet, traps mice, kills cockroaches and spiders, keeps the neighbors in line, changes the light bulbs, manages the heater repair man, and keeps the car in good running order. Woman decorates the rooms, creates and maintains the elegance of the sanctuary, chooses the menu, arranges the flowers, heals the children, keeps the cupboards and refrigerator filled with abundance and health, manages the relationships between the helper team, invites the guests to dinner, and fills the space with a never-ending profusion of love and beauty and grace.

Space Dancing

In addition to holding space for the Garden of Woman, Archetypal Man also is responsible for being the Gardener.

For modern men, being the Gardener for the Archetypal Feminine looks more like walking into a spinning propeller blade. Modern men have been civilized. We are nice, polite, sensitive new age guys. Our mother still has our balls. Being the Gardner requires something very different from the masculine qualities given to us by modern culture. Being the Gardener requires ongoing use of anger for the precise sword-work of distinguishing clarifications and indefatigably setting and holding boundaries.

The Garden needs to be trimmed. Left untrimmed, a well-nurtured Garden takes little time to grow all over itself and become a tangled mess. The grass needs mowing. Hedges and trees need pruning. Old structures need to be destroyed and taken away. The earth needs to be turned over, and new things planted. The ground must be raked up fresh, with old leaves and dead branches removed for burning or composting. This is rough work, serious work, sometimes abrupt and painful work. Things look different after the Gardener has been there.
When the Gardener shows up with shears, cutters, saw, wheelbarrow, shovel and lawnmower it naturally raises the fearful wrath of the Archetypal Feminine. She has worked so hard to grow into and fill up the space that she forgets how good it feels when the Garden grows back fresh and even more beautifully, after skilled pruning. If the Gardener cannot face Archetypal Feminine wrath with a professional, unhookable demeanor, he will not be able to keep his job.
Stay brave, Men. When you open the closet door and thirty shoeboxes fall on your head, it is time to “trim the Garden.” When there is no more room for coats, do not build new hangers. Get rid of coats. When every shelf and flat open space is filled with knick-knacks it is not time to build more shelves; it is time to rent a dumpster. When the monthly bills exceed your paycheck, immediate serious Gardening is in order. Serious Gardening sustains the health of the Garden. It is up to Archetypal Man to do a good job.

Archetypal Man lives in the question, “What is bigger? Nothing? Or Everything?” This is a strange question, seeming to be theoretical, almost philosophical – not a question for which you would expect to have much of a provable answer.

But for Archetypal Man the answer is precise and immediate; the answer is experiential and not an idea. And the answer is of the utmost importance. For the question, “What is bigger? Nothing or Everything?” it is tacitly and continuously obvious that Nothing is bigger.

If Nothing were not bigger there would be no place for Everything!

This is why Archetypal Man can hold space for Archetypal Woman. No matter what concoction Woman comes up with, Archetypal Man can relax and look her straight in the eyes knowing, “I am bigger than that.” Sometimes the most challenging thing that Woman comes up with is praise, admiration, love, respect, joy, happiness, hope, and wanting to be only nearer. Man can receive even a holy flood of joyous love when he realizes, “That too. I am bigger than that. I can be annihilated in love and still function.”

Men and women, stupid and evil, the fly and the spider. Between the fly and the spider there is no contest. You have just discovered the reason for the patriarchy. We will never solve the differences between men and women. We are not supposed to. These differences are the most precious ingredients for consistently creating ecstasy.

A practical challenge these days is for Archetypal Man and Woman to establish relationship cultures that are independent of the dominant Western patriarchal culture. Men in Archetypal Men’s culture would be encouraged to hold space for his Extraordinary Relationship and for his Archetypal Relationship. His ability to pay finer and more disciplined attention would feed his hungry senses in experiential reality, and his increased ability to be Nothing, and still create, would provide him with a livelihood outside of stifling hierarchies. Archetypal Woman would be encouraged to make use of her vast resources of perception and intuition to heal her competitive regard for other women, and build a women’s culture that is rich and dynamic enough to be more interesting than a Macy’s catalog. (Think how solidly women’s unconsciously spent Archetypal Feminine resources support the patriarchy. Think how quickly patriarchal structures would crumble if they were suddenly unsupported by the time, energy and money of a majority of women. When women behave like unconscious predictable consumers is it any wonder they are milked like cows?)

By doing their Extraordinary-Archetypal double space-holding Man could sustain an Archetypal Relationship context even while living in Ordinary Western culture with his Extraordinary Relationship. He would not have to retreat to some cave or monastery to do Archetypal Relationship experiments. Through relying on the coaching and support of his actively experimenting fellows, a man’s intimacy Edgework Experiments could turn out to be more interesting than football, films and fast cars.

By reclaiming true sisterhood Woman could rejuvenate her Archetypal abilities to heal, teach, and lead groups of people through steps in their own personal development. Her ministrations would reach beyond the defined borders of Western cultures to connect with Archetypal Women in cultures around the world. The sharing would be reciprocal and through sane and practical exchanges Western culture would evolve towards sustainability.

Holding double space as a Man, and embodying matriarchal realities as a Woman would not happen by force but rather as a result of clarity. Clarity is a higher technology than making forceful boundaries – uses less energy, creates more sustainable results. Through clearly observing what is really going on in Western culture as viewed from the Archetypal perspective, changes in behavior and relationship would result.

The first step of both men and women is to observe our cultural distortions from the perspective of Archetypal Relationship rather than looking at Archetypal Relationship from the Ordinary perspective of our cultural distortions.

Men like one big thing.

Women like a lot of little things.

The examples that follow are gross generalizations, but they indicate an underlying pattern: Men can find complete satisfaction with a mobile phone, a nice computer and their Mercedes. Women might find those items completely unfulfilling and are far more satisfied shopping for cupboards full of kitchen appliances, a house decorated with curtains and wallpaper, and vacations to interesting parts of the world.

The point is that these preferences are Archetypal, not neurotic, and can be relied on as a rich source of pleasure, sharing and appreciation. To make Archetypal use of the contrast in preferences, learn a different way to relate to them.

Men like one big thing and it is not a problem because men can learn to wait a long time before they get their one big thing. (In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this “one big thing – many little things” metaphor relates especially well to sexuality and foreplay. Now read the last sentence again.) In the meantime, a man can dearly long for his one big thing and that longing can itself become physically ecstatic. If a man gets his one big thing his ecstasy of longing is instantly replaced by a deadness. (In fact a French phrase for orgasm is “la petite mort” or “the little death.”)

In contrast to men, women like a lot of little things.

Ordinary Woman focuses on hoping to receive a lot of little things. When she does not get them she generates the viewpoint that she is a victim with a good excuse to feed her hungry Gremlin with revenge against that one whom she expected should have given her the many little things. Archetypal Woman focuses on giving a lot of little things instead of receiving a lot of little things. In the course of delivering a lot of little things (caresses, truths, kisses, sounds, giggles, jokes, nips) there are still a lot of little things happening for the delight of the woman. Giving can be even better than receiving, especially if the man’s experience of the many little things is ecstatically intensified by his longing for his one big thing.

Rather than trying to solve the apparent conflicts between men and women, consider learning French: Vive la différence!

Women enter Archetypal domains through becoming 10% masculine, such as through learning to simply take action rather than discussing all the details first, answering questions with clear yes or no decisions, making boundaries easefully and without hesitation, asking for what she needs, not giving her center away and being adaptively nice, staying unhookable, and so on.

Men enter Archetypal domains through becoming 90% feminine, such as through setting aside fear-based domination and instead seeking understanding and relationship, learning to be open and receptive instead of automatically competitive, enrobing communications in acceptance, appreciation, flexibility, and sensuality instead of the cold, hard facts, being in contact when an internal struggle arises instead of withdrawing, and so on.

Of the two prerequisites it is more difficult for a woman to become 10% Man than it is for a man to become 90% Woman.

Why? It could be that it is easier to make Everything (Sometime) out of Nothing than to make Nothing out of Everything

Archetypal Relationship ongoing 5-Body Intimacy Negotiations.

Intimacy has two dimensions: to be in the same time together, and to be in the same place together.

Being in the same time as your partner implies a mutual, although perhaps unspoken, agreement as to how “big” the time of now is. Does intimacy include stories from years past, days past, or only seconds past? Does intimacy include fantasies of possible futures? Does intimacy include television, newspaper, gossip, or alcohol?

Being in the same place together means presence. When you are together who or what is present there? Does intimacy include other friends, relatives, work colleagues, old partners? None of these qualifiers about time and place are right or wrong. But if there is conscious or unconscious disagreement about the time or place aspects of intimacy, then probably intimacy itself will be seldom experienced.
Being in the same time also means being in the same speed through time together. The Masculine and Feminine have different relationships to the speed of time, for example, how long is a “while” in the hardware store vs. how long is a “while” in bed together on Sunday morning. The ratio between doing and being influences how fast time goes by in a particular space.

Being in the same place together means contact. Contact means seeing into the other person. Seeing into one another means caring enough to perceive the inner workings of the other with acceptance (without judgment, without being offended) and having the courage to honestly reveal yourself to your partner so they can see into you without you being afraid of attack or betrayal. It tends to be far more difficult for the Man to let himself be seen, because he is Nothing. Imagine in our culture what it must be like for a man to be Nothing, compared to the Feminine – who could share forever and never scratch the surface of all there is to share about –because she is Everything.

When the Masculine and Feminine are sharing, Archetypal Woman takes care to avoid filling up all the time and space with her sharing. Otherwise, she will think that her Man does not share, when in fact it is only a result of her filling up all the available sharing space.

There is no room for the Man to share!
Woman learns to wait silently for her Man to share, and appreciates what he does share, knowing that in sharing he takes a huge risk.

Human men are focused on fixing problems and want to know what to do in order to be in Archetypal Relationship.

Archetypal Woman knows that there is nothing to do in order to be in Archetypal Relationship.

Being requires no doing.

Archetypal Woman demonstrates to her Man that he already has the Nothing required to be in Archetypal Relationship.

He does not have to do anything or go anywhere to come up with Nothing.

This can be extremely difficult for men to understand and come to trust.

If a woman finds it difficult to believe how troublesome it is for a man to understand that there is “nothing to do to be,” she is no longer in the Archetypal.

She is hooked into Ordinary.

Men do not know about Archetypal Relationship.

Ordinary women do not know about Archetypal Relationship either.

When a man holds space for his woman and places his attention on his woman she shifts from human woman to Archetypal Woman and suddenly she remembers about Archetypal Relationship. As soon as she shifts to Archetypal, the Woman remembers the way to the Center of the Great Labyrinth of Spaces. She can then navigate the two of them into intimacy and teach her Man about Archetypal Relationship, while they explore the Great Labyrinth together.

It is Woman’s job to teach Man about Archetypal Relationship.

Men can learn these things; they just need to be properly rewarded.